I was comfortable riding Thunder without a saddle, but this would be quite a different experience, and I decided for what I had planned, I’d better ...ee how it went with a saddle first. I slung my heavy western saddle off the fence-rail onto his pad, dropped his girth cinch, and thumped his ribs so he’d quit trying to hold his breath while I pulled the cinches tight. The trouble with a smart horse is that they’re always trying to outsmart you by expanding their lungs while you tighten their. The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was. More

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