Suddenly I heard a loud crack – the sound of someone’s bum being smacked very hard – and judging by the squeal which followed, that someone was ...iane. Then a Spanish voice which I immediately recognised as Therese, their housekeeper, called out, “I have been cleaning and washing that bum since it was 3 years old and would recognise it anywhere. Only now I finally get to fuck it! My lovely Diane, I have waited so long for this – prepare to be thoroughly shafted.”And although I couldn’t see. I looked like crap, but so did he. If the tie-breaker was hygiene, he was definitely winning. I gazed at his newly bald head and pallid skin for too long and he finally spoke.“You gonna invite me in?”“Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry.” I opened the screen door for him and looked around in the fridge for a beer. I handed him one, grabbed one for myself, thought better of it and put mine back.“So, what are you doing here, Matteo?”“Nothing much. You haven’t answered your phone in more than two weeks. You. More

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