He was dimly aware that he might feel his mother had abandoned him, and used that psychobabble in the various interviews that had been necessary for h...m to get in Special Forces. They taught him all the killing arts, from hand to hand, to weapons. At first, he had thought it would make him a more successful criminal, but eventually he became fearful at the skills they had given him. His first real mission had been in Panama, overthrowing Noriega. They used fancy words like interdiction, but it. For weeks I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Even now at times and without warning my chest will tighten, my lungs stop working, and the enormous hole inside me overwhelms everything. So here I am, alone in a queen-sized bed made for two. I have my blankets on (and nothing else), and like Ishmael, I feel warm on this cold night. But that doesn’t cancel out the aching emptiness that never seems to leave me anymore. I have stacked up three or four pillows so I’m kind of sitting up. Thinking maybe. More

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