That was and is a side of you I don't know, or like." It looks vengeful, Sig, but it wasn't really. I think it was fear. Fear that I lost you and coul... never love again. With Paul, it was fear that I had become undesirable and no man would want me. You don't think that I analyzed myself more than once? I felt that leaving you in the dust was vengeful, but I also thought of my self-esteem. Could I get another man, had I used up my sexuality? When I cheated on Paul, I just didn't care if I was. But I loved the hugging. We would squeeze each other as tightly as possible. We laughed about it. She called it a hug-fest and a squeeze-fest. Being held and squeezed so tightly drove me crazy. It was what I thought about each night while masturbating.I stopped wearing underwear that summer because I was hard so often thinking about Paula and because I loved the feel of a warm erection against my bare thigh. During our squeeze-fests behind the bleachers I loved being commando because the. More

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