”I knew what was happening, and it was because of the Guardian. I’m sure he, it, they ... had something to do with this. I remember something abou... super healing. Well, it appears they are keeping their end of the deal. So, I guess I had better do something to keep my end of the bargain.I suppose this puts a kibosh on the lawsuit. After all, it’s hard to claim pain and suffering when there isn’t any. I guess I’ll still collect from the trucking company for killing Calvin’s parents and leaving. .Below are daily field notes and a difficulty scale, documenting what happened to my body and mind when it was deprived of its singular evolutionary purpose.Not Masturbating Difficulty Scale (0-10)0 - mastur-what?1 - oh, masturbation2 -i guess that could be fun3 - sounds really cool, but i’m busy4 - man, must be nice to be able to masturbate5 - i would really rather not be not masturbating6 - i’m a fuc*ing idiot7 - why on God’s green earth am i doing this to myself?8 - i need to explode ASAP9 -. More

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